I Don't Frickin' Get it

No, I really don't. Earlier today, we were at the St. Luke's Extension at Jorge Bocobo st., that U.S. embassy medical thingy. We were filling out forms to get us started on completing our medical requirements for immigration to the U.S. One of the questions on the form was "When will you be ready to depart for the U.S.?" or something like that. My dad told us to write "January 2009" because that's when I will be turning 21 (the age that would most likely render me ineligible for immigration with my parents).

It felt like getting hit on the head with a truncheon. I was dazed, barely able to articulate my sentiment: "But I thought you told me that deadline was just for the interview. That as long as I don't turn 21 before the interview, I could still leave for the U.S. at the age of 21."

My dad explained to me that - well, no he really didn't. He just repeated his earlier statement that I need to get to the U.S. before I turn 21. He doesn't seem to remember telling me the whole the-deadline-is-for-the-interview thing. And that was my dad. If he doesn't remember, that means it didn't happen. Even if it did. If I couldn't bring the phenomenon back to his memory by directly referring to it, what was going to? There was little I could do to protest. And I wrote "January 2009" on the fucking form.

And now I just don't know what to feel. I thought I was still going to be here for my birthday, for her birthday.

It's still about three months away, and I'm probably not going to get invited, but I've already been planning how I would look like in the unlikely event that I do get invited. What I would wear, how I would style my hair, what I would smell like. There must be, after all, that slim chance that I'll get invited. Come on. It's going to be her debut! And I'm the first guy who's ever told her I like her. And we have the same birthday for goodness' sake!

I've even been thinking about what to make for her. That's right - make. Buying something is out of the question. I like her too much to cheapen my gift into something I could actually buy. I would like her to know how priceless she is.

But what if ... what the fuck if ... I'm not here for her birthday anymore?

I've been really hoping that I would be.

I don't frickin' get it.

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I could end my post here, actually. But there are still a couple more stuff I don't get.

First up! A couple of days ago, maybe a week back, she changed some things with her Multiply site. Her site title has now become "Caffeinated!" and her blog section has the header "caffeinated musings". Maybe the connections aren't as uncanny as the ones revealed before, but I used to be quite the caffeine person myself. In fact, in High-School, my friends and I called ourselves the "Coffee Club Society". And, yes, we had coffee *regularly*.

Ah, what the heck, we had coffee whenever our grimy little caffeine-thirsty hands got the smallest bit of chance to get a hold of our preeeeeccciiiiooouuusssssss.

Things have changed now, though. I don't drink coffee anymore. I'm depriving myself of all the unhealthy indulgences I've had before.

A more telling sign of a connection, perhaps, would be the "caffeinated musings" blog header. My own blog header in Multiply, which I wrote long before she changed her header, is "Melancholic Musings". Now, I don't know if she got the idea from my blog. Probably not, because the viewing history shows that she doesn't visit my site anymore. Although she could always view it logged-out, in which case her viewing of my site would not register on the viewing history. Anyway, in the unlikely case that she did get the idea from me, doesn't that mean I make an impression on her? Maybe not in the romantic way ... hmm ... probably not in the romantic way. Maybe not as someone who could be a potential partner (jeez! Am I really thinking these stuff?!). But at least I leave an impression on her, as someone who's got a way with words at the very least. Maybe not a very good way, but not a very bad way, either. At least she remembers what I have to say, even if she doesn't remember me as the one having said it. And that just gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I quietly celebrate that imagined triumph.

But that's just too much to hope for, I guess. Maybe she just thought up of it, all by herself. But then here would lie an even greater triumph: that would just show that we really think alike, without conscious effort for us to do so! Sheesh.

Another thing is that she recently just reviewed, also on her Multiply site, the movie Pan's Labyrinth by Guillermo del Toro. And what's so great with that? Ohhh, nothing ... except that I've been obsessing over that movie myself since Ma'am Sanchez showed it to us for CL111 class!

That movie plays an even greater role in furthering what could possibly be mere hallucinations of mine, in seeing this connection between the two of us. It was instantaneously that the thought struck me, that she resembles the movie's lead character Ofelia. At first I thought she physically looked like Ofelia, but upon further scrutiny, I found it wasn't the looks that she and Ofelia had in common. Or at least, it wasn't the looks that was the most important thing they had in common. It was how, I perceived, she herself was quite stuck as well, between a world where she wants to be and a world where she has to be. But which world is which, is quite hard to tell in her case, unlike in Ofelia's.

This, actually, was the original inspiration for the story I envisioned and which I plan to write, about a young girl who finds a magical kingdom where she is, or can be, queen (I put this under the working title "Kingdom Melancholia" on my stuff-to-do list, which I posted on my Multiply blog on October 23). Of course, I plan to let the story evolve into a story of its own, but my lead character there will undoubtedly be heavily influenced by this girl that has entranced me in real life.

So you can only imagine the joy, mixed with frustration, that blew me away when I found out she had reviewed and had liked the movie as well. There's such an incredible connection. But we're so incredibly disconnected.

I don't frickin' get it!!!